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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Big Sexxxy's LiveJournal:

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    Saturday, June 10th, 2006
    1:47 pm
    Country song
    My Granda tries to cut me down to size and wreck all of my attempts towards a good life. She takes my life apart to make me feel like I'm nothing and not worthy of anything and then complains that I'm not successful....

    My father doesn't support my endeavors and tells me to do the things that make his own life better, discourages me from trying anything new then complains that I am doing nothing to try and get my life together...

    My Mother just basically told me that she has not talked about me to her friends and coworkers for so long that they think she has only one child, but now that I have this career she has finally begun to talk about me (because I am too stupid to read that as her being ashamed?)....

    Oh crap, I don't have a pet yet to be hit by a car! I guess the song isn't done yet. I also need a pickup truck to crash, anyone? Anyone??


    The next 33 are not going to be wasted being held back or treated like a lesser person ever again. I promise I won't do this to my own family. It's a wonder that I'm not in Jail or a junkie with this "support." How the fuck did I get this far with this shit storm on me?

    I will not fail, I will move forward and everything will be at my time and speed. If anyone doesn't like it, they can go fuck themselves. If anyone thinks I'm not a success, they can go fuck themselves. If no one wants to talk about me, fuck them, there will be plenty of others who do. I am cutting all of my anchors to this past life.
    Tuesday, May 30th, 2006
    12:24 am
    I can safely say
    That this has been a difficult weekend for me. I am fairly certain that if things keep going in the direction they are heading, my father will have burned his bridges with me and in doing so he will completely lose touch with both of his sons. I cannot even imagine allowing this to happen when I start building my own family. You would think he might want to not screw things up, but oh well.

    I look around and see what has happenned in a day or so and I weep for this family. I have worked so hard to keep it together and get along with everyone. I have been a good son and worked hard in a short period of time to turn my life around and it means nothing to him or his wife. There is no support here. Being a good father is much more than supplying shelter. The arguement today was rediculous and the 15 mninutes of them whispering to each other was pitiful. I never ever want to be like them.

    I live persevere and get through this. Whatever they throw, I am strong enough to take it and come back stronger. I have worked too hard to allow this to stop me. I will not fail myself, I will not fail the people who look to me for inspiration.
    Sunday, April 16th, 2006
    10:38 am
    Last Night Truly Sucked...
    And today is only slightly better...

    So yesterday was a rough day, seeing as I had survived a week of family activities, retelling the tales of what my plans were for the near future and constantly having to justify them. This was also the usual war of the worlds with Dad's wife's family and I can say for sure (although I have known this for a while) that the static my cousins and I get is soley caused by their being socially retarded.

    This is why I didn't buy in too long with the idea of joining Hillel, finding a nice jewish girl, or any of that horseshit. They have sectioned themselves off from the rest of the world - and as I type this, I am getting bumrushed by Pop looking for a baseball glove - do you know how fucking sick I am of living in this house? Under someone else's rules? Uproot me for a day and make me move all my shit elsewhere and then bug me about cleaning up? I can't even type out a fucking paragraph without being interrupted.

    AS I WAS SAYING - their family made such a point of being in Jewish only communities, that they can't even socially interract with jews who have had the influences and joy of other cultures in their social lives.

    This week has shown me the roots of a lot of my issues. God, to sit there and watch it all play out, between my grandfather and my father, and my father and me, and my father and other people. It has been both enlightening and disturbing. Mostly disturbing. All the dramas, all the stresses, and misperceptions. To be second guessing because of doubts placed in each others heads and freaking out over nothing. All the miscommunications, so crazy.

    So last night or should I say, yesterday afternoon, I watched my grandfather leave for the airport. I spent more time with him that I had planned and enjoyed the time we spent together. I expected a slugfest because of our phone call, but realized how much I missed him and that he missed me the minute we saw each other.

    I also realized that at 91, he has some kind of Geriatric ADD, which was very amusing. He even admitted that if you don't directly address him when speaking to him, he will literally phase out everyone and everything. This is to the point that if you're 3 sentences into a conversation, he will begin speaking and talk over you as if you are not there. He was truly adorable and loving, and slept like a like a little kid between houses on saturday when we drove around with my cousin.

    Grampa drove Dad and wifey crazy, but it was good to see where the insanity comes from. I know that with all of Dad's complaining, he will be the exact same way when he gets older. At least I know where it comes from now, but I kinda knew already.

    The rest of the day was hanging with the bro for a few hours, eating some killer sushi, working out, and being a mental case over Sunday with my Aunt. It took me hours, but I realized today was Easter sunday (like the candy and rabbits weren't enough of a clue) and that the idea of 2 hours worth of traffic to have a 6th day of family time and madness was just going to be too much.

    After a week of telling my life story over and over again, arguing with family, and seeing my grandfather leave (while wondering if I would ever see him again) - I called up my Aunt at 10pm and cancelled out for today. This left me very depressed and filled with guilt. It's the common theme, this mixed up messed up emotional state because they make no effort to visit bro and I in NJ, but we are supposed to drive out to Long Island. I love them very much, but to go out there solo and have to replay everything another day was just too much to deal with.

    The back story on this is that it was originally scheduled for Thursday, but my cousin switched shifts so he could see Pearl Jam. So my life and schedule is uprooted because of a shitty 90's band and my Saturday is ruined because I am a mental case, driving almost to NYC to spend time with friends and then bailing out at the bridge because I am completely spent and totally exhausted.

    MY Night Last Night:
    9:00PM: leave the house after watching and smelling everyone have dinner but getting no invite to join in.

    10:00PM: Call Aunt in Wendy's parking lot and have the most uncomfortable phone call(s) of my life to finally cancel out and reschedule. She was going to cook a whole turkey - that's important because it lays on the guilt heavy.

    11:40PM: Wake up from a nap after calling bro upset. I'm in a parking lot down the road from the house because I don't want to go back inside.

    12:00AM: Turn off right before the bridge when I see all the traffic. Going in is suddenly not worth it, I'm exhausted still and a complete mental case.

    12:34AM Eating popcorn in a parkin lot, trying not to eat bad things although the urge to is overwhelming, to find some kind of happiness in all of the pain I am feeling. Eventually buying the food I want but making the promise to accoutn for it in my calories today.

    1:34AM Coming home a complete wreck, after texting some people, trying to reach out for some kind of release from feeling so alone and lost. Talk with bro online for three seconds and decide to go to sleep. It's all gone, the weekend is gone and I miss my friends immensely.

    So much more happenned, and the time with my cousins was actually great and got me through all the rough stuff. I wasn't completely miserable this week and I had some funny moments with Dad and the family as a whole. The biggest arguement came from the person I expected it to come from the least. But I am so very drained and so looking forward to seeing the people that keep me sane, to getting to what needs to get done, and to being happy more often than upset.

    Current Mood: tired
    Wednesday, April 12th, 2006
    12:01 pm
    It's Begun...
    10:00am this morning I got the first yell of the day to go buy the ingredients for Charoset and some other items. About 10 minutes ago Grampa got into a fight with Wifey and Dad over Taxes and where Gramp's taxes were sent. There's yelling back and forth and one task after another that could have been pre-setup yesterday or last night. Why do that when I can lose a whole day today and go on an insane emotional roller coaster that won't let up until 12:30am?

    Best part is, either tomorrow or Friday we will have to undo everything and it will be slightly less fucked but still rediculous....

    18 people, trying to me more jewish than the next, singing out of key, and arguing about nonsense that for the most part doesn't matter. I hope there's enough wine...


    I really need to get away from family for a 1/2 1 year and just be done with all that drama. Thank god for therapy.

    Current Mood: crazy
    Sunday, April 9th, 2006
    9:50 am
    Things are about to get fairly bad....
    So Passover is coming up this week and I am not looking forward to it. This has got to be the worst holiday jews ever created. I would really like to see how other families do it, just in case it's not so bad and I just have had 32 years of bad family experiences.

    I just found out yesterday I am going to have to put up with my granfather living in the same house as me for 5 days. This wonderful angel of a human being told me on the phone that "He doesn't even know who I am anymore" because I won't give up my life to two years of school and then working in a restaraunt. Even though I have a plan, it's not his and it doesn't involve working myself to death, so in his eyes it has totally discounted me as a person. And now, in some bullshit display of "who's the better son?" I am going to have to deal with this nosy annoying jerk pestering me as long as I'm home.

    On top of this 5 days of hell, on Thursday I have been told that I need to move into the attic room because ANOTHER PERSON IS SLEEPING OVER!!! So 5 people, one bathroom (the 1/2 bath sucks and no one will want to use it), in one house, with me not getting to use the internet on Thursday and posssibly Friday & I'm uprooted to boot.

    I fucking hate the holidays, and I hate that my family makes me feel like the fat kid who was last picked in gym class. I can't even leave and go home somewhere else, I'm stuck here for now. I need to get as far away from them as possible.

    Maybe I'll rent a hotel room mid-week....

    Current Mood: angry
    Sunday, March 26th, 2006
    10:45 am
    Stop yelling, it's retarded...
    Every thing since the last post has been fine. The big storm blew over, partially due to my pops reading another blog of mine. I am about 95% sure he does but I'll never ask him about it...

    I got two months here, one of which is almost done. I'm still not sure what I should do or where I should go. This stresses me out, but not too much. Therapy has been a tug-of-war and my intial reaction to "what happens after April?" is to send my shit to Ma's and go hostelling. I am still heading to Burning Man, but I need to do something for the next couple months aside from working out.

    Permanence, Commitment, these are all things that I'm interested in. The problem is that the dues are currently too high. Person after person tries to relate their situation to me and how YOU HAVE TO do this and YOU HAVE TO do that, at which point I say "How's your job going?" and it's like I sucker punched them. I hear a five minute conversation of doom and gloom and all I can think to myself is "Yup, you want me to join the club and be miserable. I have to do it because you gave up on the dream."

    The working out has been good. I'm seeing some changes after a week. Next week I bump it up to 1000-2000 calories a day. I'm actually going to jump on the treadmill now and try to do 1000 calories. If I can do 2k to start with fine, if not, I'll work my way up.

    I also started trading again, maybe if I can be disciplined, I can make that my job for now. Fund some adventures and pay the rent with that. It's a long shot but it's also possible to do it, just can't buy and sell on emotions. I actually went to a casino and gambled one sunday, just so I could get used to the feeling of gains and losses.

    "Who will I be in a month?" Maybe I need to think about that I will be me and the real question is "where will I be in a month?" or "how will I feel in a month?" I don't want to feel trapped and I don't want to be miserable. I don't feel that way right now, but all good things must come to an end...or do they?

    There's no reason for his yelling, he's just being loud. It's like he went a whole day not being loud, so he's yelling because he hasn't had the drama of his business for a day. It bothers me a lot, him harshing my mellow like this. He's in good spirits though. Maybe he's nervous about something.

    Current Mood: irritated
    Saturday, March 4th, 2006
    5:03 pm
    Storms a brewing
    You can see it, coming down the mountain, dark clowds rolling down on over and through the trees...moisture in the air - you can feel the thunder now and hear the bugs and animals running for cover....the water and wind and pressure is pushing the air against your body as the lightning crashes through you...

    It's going to be a big storm...

    Current Mood: distressed
    Wednesday, March 1st, 2006
    7:20 am
    You know what I love about the new room?
    The hard cold bed I am sleeping on - no, that's not it...

    The new room has very little light coming into it and it's just "dark"- no, that's not it...

    It's colder than the other room - no, that's not it...

    I can hear my Pop's C-PAP machine going off at night - no, that's not it...

    I can hear them both get up to use the bathroom, talking in the morning, alarms going off at 5:30 or 6am - no, that's not it...

    No sleep for more than an hour every night - no, that's not it...

    It's a free room - yup, that's pretty much it.

    Oh yeah, and I'm so exhausted in the morning, that I stopped working out this week. Good times...

    Current Mood: angry
    Tuesday, February 14th, 2006
    8:10 am
    My not-so-much dilema...
    So things are not going so hot at work. I actually thought I was going to be fired yesterday, to the point that I put my stuff in the car during my lunch break. This is probably not a shock at this point, but I digress...

    So the meeting, the meeting is a run down of my latenesses and my tardy's (which are one in the same, but in a corporate world you get in trouble twice from two different departments concerning this.) MY boss has supposedly been taking care of one side of it but not theother. Thems the rules, or the breaks, or the tough-shits - call it what you'd like?

    So I get the 2nd write-up, the final warning, and the boss is like "You can talk with these folks if you'd like" and starts taking down this in house counseling zerox. These people can't really do anything to improve my siatuation, plus I already have a therapist. I tell her this and she's like "Is there anything I can do to help you", to which I'm thinking "not really, because anything I would suggest would get us both fired (non-sexual suggestions.) So I think and I think and I think, because every other "option" is not really an option for me.

    Finally I think "ok, what would be something that would make them happy and get me out of the shit, plus clear up a little more time in the morning to workout or play the market?" So finally I go ok think "all about the corporation" and I say to her: "Can you switch me to an 11-8pm shift? Because that would allow me to come in later and these times reflect that I could get in at 11 no problem." So without calling around and without asking she goes "I can't do that, Seniority, I can give you a lter shift."

    EXCUSE ME, BUT WHO THE FUCK WANTS AN 11-8 SHIFT WHICH REQUIRES YOU TO WORK ON FRIDAYS AND SATURDAYS AND HAS BETTER SENIORITY THAN ME????


    So yeah, it's fairly doomed, because I will not sacrifice my free time and the events coming up in the next 6 months for a job that pays $13.45 and hour but makes me miserable 9 hours straight. And yes, you can request time off, but not really, because then it somehow still counts against you and on top of that, they were intentionally unclear about how to do so. This on top of there being over about 4 slots per day for this department.

    Thursday will either be the last half day or the day I call out and end this shit. I may literally walk out at lunchtime. If only I could find work that I enjoy more for the same amount of cash per hour, which I will try in do in the coming weeks....

    Current Mood: thirsty
    Saturday, February 11th, 2006
    9:52 am
    :(
    I really don't want to go to work.....ever again.

    I need to jump in the shower before it's too late or the family jumps in and takes my time up. I can't stand it and now I am in a grumpy mood all the time. Everything gets cut short. Dad's was at 11 today when I walked in, he doesn't understand how uncomfortable it makes me, especially when I spend all day having someone yell in my ear. It's not cute, it's disturbing, I don't need you yelling hello to me and other salutations when all I want to do is have some fucking prepackaged breakfast and get the next 9 hours over with.


    Grumpy as all fucking hell right now...

    Current Mood: cranky
    Tuesday, February 7th, 2006
    9:30 am
    I'm a whole bunch of tired right now....
    Spending all night fighting zombies in your sleep will do that to you......

    So I'm not sleeping too well right now. Started after the Superbowl party, which to my mistake, I ate a lotta steak at. I guess I wasn't used to it and I wound up sick. But last night? No real reason for last night. I guess I'm just having fucked up dreams.

    I didn't walk today, decided to get a lot done around the room and all that. I'm just not up for the walk, looking around as trash accumulates and begins to close me in. I can't wait to see how I handle keeping my own place clean, although I have no idea where it will be. Tired of not working somewhere more than 6-9 months, I think the last job I spent more than a year at was MSU, which disturbs me. Maybe I'll walk later after work.

    Work...what to say about work? Work sux, if it wasn't for the excuse mid level incompetent managers make for a telecom's shitty service, I might actually like my job. Doing the tech is fun, but being under the gun and reading scripts and closing calls in preapproved acceptable time limits is garbage. It's a numbers game and if they spent the money better and boosted morale, they would find themselves with much better results and happier customers. I'm ready for this to end, but it's a shame that I just got benefits here. I really don't want to stay in NJ, where else is there to go where I would want to be?

    Maybe I should go back to school. Need to find that perfect personal cheffing school. That or go train in Cali for a few months. Either way, something has got to change drastically. I am just unsure I can handle it right now. Probably a lack of sleep talking though, fighting zombies will do that to you....

    Current Mood: frustrated
    Monday, January 30th, 2006
    1:16 am
    To Be Cut so Deep....
    And be told my the person you're closest to, that you would take a bullet in the heart for, and whom you helped raise that your fourth in line is his life, is the most horrific news that I could hear aside from being told that someone this close to you was dead. I don't get how someone I have always showered with so much love and support of every kind imaginable, could be so cruel as to not only not be able to spare 2 hours in a single week but to then go on and try to blame me for this lack of time together and then re explain to me how his girlfriend and other friends come first.

    This following an accusation that I would prefer him to be miserable when I have walked out of weddings early, lost jobs, put everything else on the line, and loaned him money so that he could keep moving forward when he was down. I don't think asking to be able to hang out 1-on-1 occassionally like family instead of tagging along or chasing after him with his friends or at his job after all of this is a lot to ask.

    This is what I get for being a good person, and I am tired of being walked on and treated like a third class citizen by my family, let alone many other people. Maybe I am moving into the foreground and asserting myself more, and the people around me can't handle the change. Maybe it's time to be less nice general. Either way, I'm not going back to who I was, and I am not lying down and taking this shit anymore like a bitch.

    Current Mood: disappointed
    Tuesday, January 17th, 2006
    7:42 am
    Went to my first Casting Call today...
    My experience trying out for the Biggest Loser 3:

    Due to unforseen circumstances, I wound up needing to drive myself in. I found parking right away in a garage around the block and saw everyone inside, which was awesome since it was so cold....until I realized it was the today show!!

    I walk a little further, and I'm seeing overweight people all over the place. Now here's the thing, you can't really be like "excuse me?" because, a lot of them weren't going to the call. So I find Planet Hollywood and I do what everyone else does: "Wow small, line!" until I see that it's broken off into sections. My god people, some of you were camping out all night, huh? I mean, I thought maybe I was in line for Phish tickets or something!!!

    I find the end of the line and stand next to three great people from Nutley. I gotta say, it was so sweet to see so many people who had such supportive friends and relatives. I hve so much respect and love for you guys, because you stood out in the 17 degree weather for 4-6 hours and you didn't have to. Everyone seemed to look out for each other and when nature called, everyone was great about holding places in line. NY is the best, we probably had the worst weather for the open call but we got by and kept each other amused through the waiting.

    Finally, in our darkest hour (with each of us having a seperate darkest hour depending on line placement) we get inside. It's warm and there are lots of stairs. Not tons of them, but it ws a trip. We sit down and fill ut a short form, which at this point I'm tired from standing for 5 hours and dehydrated. It's a bit of a blur but it's the basics of the long form. Everyone used the bathroom and I do not have time for some water before we're called in....

    We get seated in different groups. My group was made up of 12 people and the questions are pretty much what everyone else has been saying. Look at the long form people and just think about it. I would suspect different casting agents are running through different questions and having slightly different formats to the round table discussion.

    We had about 10 minutes total and I think we got a great casting agent. You need to be aggressive to get your point out and be heard. I had next to no voice at this point from the cold air, 4 hours of sleep, and lack of water and I still was able to be heard and hold my own - I was raspy as all hell but I was vocal. Just be confident.

    The last thing I'll say is do not wait around for season 4. If you have made the effort to go through this process then you have the perseverance and stamina in yourself to begin a diet routine and exercise. Everything that's required to make it to the casting table is everything you need to make the change in diet and exercise work.

    I hope everyone had similar experiences. I have no regrets about today and encourage anyone who hasn't gone to a call yet to do so..

    P.S. - 7:30am-ish and I was #177
    Saturday, December 31st, 2005
    5:44 pm
    Goodbye 2005, may you die peacefully.....
    I would have to saythat the title of this entry is said with true sincerity, because this year has been an amazing year of growth for me. Not half-assed stuff but serious teeth grinding reality driven growth leading to an amzing amount of constant clarity...

    I would have to say that the highlight of this year has been my breakdown, which occured in the beginning of September of this year. This breakdown which was long overdue, led to me seeking out therapy and finally dealing with or even attacking a lot of personal baggage. It crazy that I'm sitting on the very same couch typing this entry, from which I lost it and called my bro weeping at midnight completely lost and a head full of thunderstorms.

    The power of therapy man, to be able to weep openly and feel this wave of emotion come out of nowhere from your solar plexus - this amazing release, more amazing and more satisfying than any orgasm, pure exhaustion while walking out of the office, feeling better than I've felt in years. Knowing that a year from now I will be stronger than I have ever been, weighing less than when I started high school, because I have the means and the tools to get past all of the speedbumps which held me back.

    There is so much more that happenned, but this is the most important thing. This is the silver lining or even more so: the silver cloud. When all else is going wrong I know that things are still great, because as much as something may suck, I'm confident that I can deal with it and overcome the situation....


    Happy New Year to everyone who reads this,
    Me.

    Current Mood: happy
    Friday, December 30th, 2005
    11:49 pm
    This is a fairly monumental moment here.....
    Because after today some decisions have been made and some reality has been realized that will affect how I do and look at things come Sunday:

    1. Certain folk have left me out of the circle concerning NYE plans. This weighs heavy on my heart because I thought that I had gotten closer to them this year and here I am, being sort of blown off. I don't think I did anything wrong but oh well, maybe it was the recent move that has suddenly allowed the truth to seep out. I just don't get it with them sometimes.

    2. Other folk, who have shut themselves off from everyone, decided to have a little something-something and also did not invite me. I know that I have been nothing but good to this person and their SO, so if this is the way that it is then fine.

    3. Work sucks but having benefits certainly does not. Now that it's almost midnight, I can say that I will still be at the machine come Tuesday, and Tuesday I will have benefits. This means no matter what, I'll have some good health services in place even if the job ends. Cobra will be less than 30/month and I think I found a cavity today. With all the health focused activities planned for 2006, this is a great situation to be in. Do I like the job? Fuck no. Does it pay well and has it served it's purpose? Fuck yeah!

    4. This week has been all about eating crap and I can feel my food disaster taking it's toll on me. I have no energy and missed out on burner and jersey fun tonight. I have no energy after 9 hours at work and this really must stop. I took at nap around 10pm and woke up a little bit ago feeling like shit. It's made me decide to fill up the video tape and edit down from what I shoot to both 5 minutes for the contest and a to make a longer tape for myself.

    5. If the contest doesn't happen, I'm planning on still losing the weight on my own. I'm going to make some phone calls and some emails to see if I can create a TV series based on the next couple months. If not, I'm going to keep some serious documentation of my progress till August.

    6. I have still not heard about the job upstate. It has been totally disheartening to come home every day and find no email and no regular mail about the job. You would think after 7 years of deciated service that they would be more in touch and personal. They have until Tuesday night and then I'm thru. I'm not going to put myself through this anymore and if it doesn't go through I'm fine with it. I can do this without their help if need be.

    7. I miss going to therapy and I can't wait for the new schedule to kick in so I can have a session. I'm been ok, but I could use some real time to cover certain events.

    Current Mood: uncomfortable
    Monday, December 26th, 2005
    5:16 pm
    Totally Fucking Bored right now
    It's completely insane. I can't remember Christams last year being this slow!!! No one is around and no one is really picking up their phones. Yeah, I have some stuff that needs to get done, but the concept of spending time with friends and family is not happennign this year. Yesterday there was one opportunity, but there were some family issues to deal with...

    I don't know why, but I find myself telling lots more people than I should about the show I'm applying to. I really shouldn't do this to myself, I should just apply and see what happens.

    I'm hating this being alone on the holidays stuff. I want to see an Xmas tree. I don't think I've seen one at a friends house at all. At some point, it's there and I go over and have some fun and just hang. This year, I hung with my bro for about 4-6 hours over two days and that was it. I really would like some women in my life, a girlfriend, a buddy, whatever... I hate being alone and bored on the holidays. I feel like I'm missing the party....


    So there it is. I ho ho hope that next year is filled with love and happiness, cuz this dispair shit is getting real old, real fast.


    On a P.S. - The move-out went well. No real hitches and living with Pop and his wife is going ok. Just trying to stay focused and respect the space. It's a rent free situation and with everything up in the air, that's a god thing. I did enjoy the Hotel aside from the food poisoning and it was a nice break from everyone.

    Current Mood: discontent
    Wednesday, December 14th, 2005
    12:29 am
    So It's come down to the wire....
    On Thursday night it will finally be done....

    So weird the road that has led to this point in my life. I look back on the last few months and it has been an amazing journey into myself. I can still remember that first night I tried to move out in Dad's house, hiding under the pillow and calling my bro. I was such a wreck, so low and confused, so empty and helpless. I knew it was time to go back into therapy....

    And here I am now, after about 4 months of therapy and technically one day away from officially moving out for good, writing and contemplating my possible futures with a clear mind. I am moving into a hotel for a few days, followed by hopefully a short stay at a friend's house, and then back into Dad's just long enough to hear back from Woodstock (the interview went great.) By the time he gets back I will be a week away from moving out to somewhere in NJ or Upstate NY.

    I am still a long ways to go. I still need to handle some heavy issues in therapy. I am dieting now but looking forward to exercising and busting my ass in a gym somewhere. 80 pounds in 8 months, difficult but doable. I have put my health upfront, as I promised myself I would do once my head had been unjumbled. So it all revolves around getting into shape. I even bought an outfit for my goal weight - A large size - off white cargo pants, black shirt, awesome purplish/plaid boxers. I so look forward to wearing this outfit, wherever I live, this oufit will be put up on the wall as a reminder to to make it happen.

    The last thing I am packing up is the computer. I am printing out the application for the 3rd season of "The Biggest Loser." Filling the forms out will be the first thing that I do on Thursday, right after I check in to the hotel. I need to make a 5 minute video tape, now all I need is a video camera....


    Life is pretty damn good, it's nice to have goals....

    Current Mood: busy
    Tuesday, December 6th, 2005
    7:32 am
    Been a while, hasn't it?
    BRB, going to make my oatmeal...seriously, I'm making oatmeal....

    So Jack gave me the final extension, after making me wait through the weekend I finally got it and was glad. It would have sucked to have been a prick and I'm glad it didn't have to go there. I am even looking at a 1 bedroom in the complex should I wind up staying down here.

    I sent my resume to Woodstock and got an enthusiastic response from the program director, which really lifted my spirits. I am going up TODAY to interview for the position and I am fascinated about what I am going to be walking into. I'm still trying to figure out what exactly they need to ask me, being that I've been affiliated for 7 years now? It will be an experience either way so I'm doing it. I've wanted this for a while, but put that want on hold as I got lost for a while in my own mind.

    I'm working at the corporate offices of a huge telecom right now. In actually in training and need to call out in a few. Once of my coworkers was nice enough to give me a mild flu, so this past weekend was shot. I need to visit some special folks in PA ASAP, possibly a Sunday before the 31st? From this point on the Telecom will be known as "the machine."

    The Machine has this huge propaganda of fear going on right now. A day does not go by without some horror story of indescretions leading to firings or innocent act of tomfoolery = career assassination to that matter. It is truly corporate and we cannot get any straight answers on anything now that we've been unionized. Everyone fears for their job but it's "a great place to work." Somehow this trainign class is nothing but men, you can smell the testosterone in the air. We go for walks and tours of the building and we all search out women, I have no clue what's being said myself, 9 hours of being around nothing but guys brings out the caveman in all of us.

    I don't really write much in here anymore. Therapy is working out great for me, and I bring my issues mostly to my therapist. I think LJ kept me afloat but maybe if I had the breakdown earlier it would have been better. Can't change the past though and the timing has really been right on everything for me. We had to put it on hold since training for the machine started and I'm not happy about this. There are still some heavy issues to deal with and hopefully it will all come out sooner than later. I really love being back in therapy, I have so much clarity now it's awesome - I'm making great decisions and having so much less stress now.

    P.S. - I'm considering applying for "The Biggest Loser" TV show.

    Current Mood: calm
    Thursday, November 17th, 2005
    8:24 am
    As Per Usual....
    Everything is falling apart...

    Since my last update:
    I have gone up to Woodstock and looked around for apartments. The places I saw were garbage except for one place, which had water that stunk horribly of Sulfur. The landlord was nice and I loved the location, but the water is a huge dealbreaker. The bathroom was also terrible.

    I swung by the place of possible work and everyone was so preoccupied that it appeared no one gave a shit that I was apartment hunting. No one had any enthusiasm over the idea of me going back into the arts and that I was willing to take a 5k pay cut from the amount I usually make. It was so totally heartbreaking, but I am going to still apply and pretend like someone will give a damn when my resume comes in.

    Saugerties is where I shall wind up if I move up there. The apartments are much better and cheaper. They're better in the more ghetto areas too. Saugerties is for the artistic and poor, Woodstock is for the tragically hip and rich.

    I thought I had the Tech job and even went for a piss test last Saturday. They gave me a letter with an offer on it, my "unofficial offer." I get a call yesterday from their hiring company that they need a reference from my last Temp gig so I call up my old manager and she's like "The Company that bought us is not allowing the managers to give references to employees who worked for the previous company"....wtf???

    So here I am, cannot afford and find a decent apartment in NJ, NJ job may be falling through, and Upstate NY job is not definate. So now I have to have "the talk" another time, which kills me because my roomie has been fairly good about things. Even the apartments that were plausible down here don't have move-in dates until Dec 1st. What rubbish.

    Current Mood: cranky
    Saturday, November 12th, 2005
    3:03 am
    Harumph!!!
    As a backup plan to my possible move upstate, I got a job working for a major phone company doing some highly technical stuff. It pays enough to live and rent in an area I can't really afford right now. If I go with the program, I will also have benefits and maybe a cell phone?

    The downside to this is: IT makes the upstate decision more difficult, and I did not go out tonight because A) I was tired from the day and B) I have to go for a drug test, and knowing where I wanted to go tonight, I wouldn't have passed (not from personal use mind you, just from more than likely being around it.) I really wanted to go out tonight, but I didn't have the energy and like I said, I needed the backup plan.

    So all of next week will be either looking for a place in NJ or NY, and then beginning to move in. I'm not sure there is enough time for it all, but we shall see.

    Current Mood: tired
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